I've had some inquiries as to how I am doing, so I guess its time to catch up a bit.
Its all a bit strange, but at the same time part of me is standing off to the side watching and marveling at how all this is unfolding, and the process of adaptation to a life without one of the main characters that was in it.
One of the discoveries that was revealed to me was " what do you say to someone who has had their life turned upside down". It has always been an area of severe discomfort to me to have to try to say something meaningful to someone who has lost their loved one. You feel so inadequate that I have on occasion avoided the situation entirely. Now having been on the pointed end of the stick, I was very aware of that discomfort in my friends in their effort to say something to me that would somehow make things better. Well of course there is nothing that anyone could possibly say that could ever bridge that gap. I was surprised was that my main emotion was to feel sorry for them and to want to alleviate that pain for them. So let me see if I can put to words what gave me the most comfort.
All that is needed, is to say - "I am sorry for your loss". What meant the most to me was the love that those who knew her seemed to have for her. She touched far more lives than I ever thought. The thought that the ones who knew her were saddened by the fact that they would never talk to her again, was very touching, and it was strangely just the right thing to say that gave me pride in how she had lived her life, and I felt gratitude for their friendship and regard for her.
As I was preparing my breakfast this morning the Sun was beginning to make its presence known on the Eastern horizon. I stepped outside to wait for the shot to develop to its maximum beauty, I listened to the world wakening to another wonderful spring day. All the birds were sending their greeting to the new Sun. Doves were cooing, Mallards were squabbling down in the creek. Sand hill Cranes were ratcheting their calls to the new day. Geese were lifting off the water of the reservoir to begin the mornings feeding of Dave's pastures. Quail were advancing on my lawn, calling and talking to each other. The Coyotes were having their morning singalong. The world still turns, with or without us.
I made a trip to Klamath this last week. It was of course too short, I didn't get to visit all the people that I hold in regard, just too many and too little time. I went for several reasons, taxes, resupply of Quail for Hawk food, and to scatter some of Karen's ashes on our old pet graveyard at the house where we lived for 38 years. Our pets lives are so short compared to ours, so there were many dogs, cats and two horses that are interred there. Karen was quite attached to the stately Ponderosa Pines as well, so I thought that since she had loved the area so much that it was fitting to place part of her there where the wind soughing through the Pine could be heard.
I began looking for something to put some of her ashes in, rather than the ziplocks that first came to mind. I went to her side of the bed to look on her night stand to see if there was anything there that would work. I noticed a small tin can with a nice screw on lid that seemed to be the right size. I unscrewed the lid and there was her "gambling money", so I knew at that moment that I had found the perfect receptacle for her. Its very fitting as we leave parts of our lives scattered every where we go.
As for me, I am not finished with the world as yet. I will look for someone to share the remainder of my life. Karen was my world for 54 years. I shall never forget that or her, but that is gone now. Its time to try to find a reason to live, and if possible a new love.
